Monday Night Man Meals #3

Grab a pen, you'll wanna write this down. Tonight, I am sharing with all of you my Ribs recipe (yeps, there will be an actual recipe...more or less). This is one of my signature dishes and easily one of my favourite to serve. It's a dish that you could bring to a BBQ and be guaranteed you get invited back. Make it for a love interest and I guarantee you'll to be invited to stay. *shiftily raises eyebrows* Take a squizz after the jump to learn the secret of ribs good enough to create approximately 49.8% of the population from.
I realised something a while back, that while I enjoy cooking, eating, and experiementing with food; my number one joy is serving food to hungry people and seeing their satisfaction and gratitude. At our work Xmas party last year we were about 1/2-way through the 2 cubic metres of piss we brought along for the just 15 people on the boat (P.S. DON'T mention the boat). As you can imagine, there was a lot of hootin' 'n' hollerin' going on. Then suddenly... ribs. I have never seen such a raucous, lively bunch of people turn so solemnly quiet in such a short space of time.

It was like someone died. Suddenly. Of an overdose of AWESOME caused by my ribs. That little feeling of pride that came over me right then is something I strive for every time I cook for others.

I'll start by creating a rub for marinating the meat and then cover off a special technique that will ensure these ribs are better than you or your mates (or impressionable hottie) have ever had. It can seem a bit convoluted, but stick with me and take the time. I promise you will not be disappointed.

This first image might be a bit startling..."Sugar? SUGAR? What're you? On drugs?" I hear you saying (in fact I frequently hear people saying the last bit...) - but don't worry, it all makes sense. Back up there, I promised a recipe and here goes. For the rub:

• 8 parts brown sugar I use muscovado as you can see - it has a real earthy flavour, almost smokey which plays well in this recipe, but any brown sugar will do
• 3 parts salt - Kosher salt is nice if you can find it
• 1 part chili - if you can't handle spice... harden up and put it in there anyways
• 1 part herbs & spices - whatever flavours you like will go well here

You'll see there that the magic ratio is 8:3:1:1 of Sugar, Salt, Chili and Spices respectively. I'm only doing a small batch of ribs for myself, so I have used teaspoon measures. This same ratio works no matter the quantities - I made 9 racks for that Xmas party I was talking about earlier. For the actual cooking you'll need:

• Apple juice and/or Coke - for braising (more on this in a bit)
• Your favourite BBQ Sauce - for the er...sauce
• Strong tin foil - this is worth noting. Usually branded as "heavy duty" or "thick"

Start by mixing the first 3 ingredients together. The brown sugar will be quite moist, so you'll need to loosen it up with the drier salt and chili powder. Work it with the finger tips until there are no lumps of sugar. Pro tip: make sure you pack the brown sugar down when you measure it - this is something I learned in Form 1 and it's stuck with me ever since.

You can use ground herbs and spices if you like, but I prefer to use whole wherever possible. Just chuck them into a mortar and smash the crap out of them - a little salt will help provide friction to aid the grinding process. For this batch I have used equal parts:

• Sumac - a delicious Mediterranean berry that tastes of sour citrus
• Cumin - not too much as it DOES smell like body odour or feet or 'taint' after all
• Onion flakes - dried works well here as we wanna make a rub, not a paste
• Garlic powder - same reasoning as the onion flakes
• Black peppercorns - you HAVE to have pepper, you just do.

If you end up with a bit more than 1 part of the total rub mixture, don't fret - as I'm sure you've worked out by now, there are no hard and fast rules to my cooking!

Since I am just cooking for myself, I'm just doing a couple of 1/4 sides - these ones are Freedom Farms, Organic, free-range.  A happy pig is a tasty pig IMO.

Before we get cracking on the rub, you'll need to prepare the tinfoil. Tear off pieces approx. 2.5 times longer than each of the slabs of ribs you're cooking. Place them on the bench shiny side up. You should have one piece of tinfoil per slab of ribs.

Now...here's where it gets really complicated. You're going to take the 'rub' and pat it into the meat. Don't rub it. Pat it. Don't ask me why its called a rub and not a pat. Probably 'cause 'pat' sounds like something that comes out of a cow's bum. Make sure you have a nice even coating across the meat and ensure you do both sides.

Fold your tinfoil sheet in half and make a light crease mark. Place the slab of ribs as above so the widest end is aligned with the crease.

Fold over gently and align the edges as best as possible, being sure as to not tear nor rip the tinfoil when shuffling (one mention of that effing song and I'll kill a kitten) things around.

Fold the edges up as neatly and tightly as possible. I start with about a 1cm fold at the outside and fold repeatedly on that until right up against up the meat. We need these folds to create a water-tight seal - so take care and replace the tinfoil if it rips.

Loosely fold the remaining open end to close the parcel up. We'll be using this bit later, so don't fold it up as tight as the other sides.

These two are ready for the fridge. You'll need a minimum of 1 hour for the rub to work its magic - 8 hours is better. If you're cooking for the evening, get up early and prepare them. For a lunch-time meal, do them the night before - just before hitting the hay.

Once you're happy that the slabs have marinated sufficiently, pre-heat your oven to 125°C. Then it's time to make the braising sauce. Braising is effectively a way of cooking using a decent amount of moisture and a slow heat (not a typo) to break down connective tissue/protein in meat. This protein - collagen - is pretty tough and we don't want that. If you don't believe me it's tough, try chewing on a Hollywood star's lip and come back to me.

You want about a 1/3 - 1/2C for each full slab of ribs. For these little shorties, I only need about 1/4C each. I have mixed equal parts of the Coke (if it can dissolve a nail in science class, just imagine what it could do to Mickey Rourke's top lip!) and apple juice. The secret (as covered in AWESOMEsauce) here is "Liquid Smoke". For the holy love of our baby Jesus - a drop or two will do. Don't over do it otherwise you'll end up with something that tastes smokey like the inside of a German Fire Fighter's jock strap. This mixture is just a suggestion - use what ever the hell you want, but just remember the quantity. It always pays to make a little extra in case you stuff the next bit up.

Remember that time when we made little parcels with ribs in 'em? You're gonna gently open up the end of these parcels to make a kind of nozzley, funnely thing and pour in the braising liquid.

At this stage, it will be obvious if your tinfoil has a hole. If so, do your best to patch it up by folding it over etc. If need be, wrap the ribs in another layer of tinfoil. You can try to create a completely new parcel, but it's a palaver.

Once you've dispensed the braising liquid, make sure you seal the end up nice and tight - just like you did for the sides. Steam is going to be created in the parcels and we don't want that to escape - it's needed for the braising process (MICKEY ROURKE. Ew.). Make sure you swish the liquid round inside to make sure it's distributed evenly - especially if your tinfoiling skills are average and your parcels look a bit like smashed crabs.

Into the oven. Simple. Set your timer for 2 to 2.5 hours. I'm serious. No, really. Sorry.

Once the timer's done, carefully open the end and pour the liquid into a pot and get that onto the stove to reduce by half.

The ribs'll look a bit pasty when you open the parcels. This is normal. You can either finish them on the BBQ (over charcoal is best) or like I'll be doing tonight - under the grill. I def. suggest going the extra mile if you're trying to impress. Be careful handling them at this stage, they might be quite fragile, especially if you have opted to let them cook a little longer. Think 'spatula' rather than 'tongs' when you're moving them around.

While the ribs are browning up, keep an eye on the sauce. Mix in a goodly amount (I love that phrase) of your favourite BBQ sauce. You can skip the reduction and just use straight BBQ sauce but make sure you heat it a little before pouring on the ribs. Actually, no... don't skip the reduction. Lazy ass.

Once they're browned to your liking, cut the ribs up. Either singles or pairs of ribs depending on the width and meatiness. You can brown as little or as much as you like really. Personally, I don't even like my toast any more toasted than enough just to melt the butter, so I keep my ribs golden, rather than black. Oh...and well-done food gives you cancer. And makes your dick shrink. One thing to note, if you line your tray in paper, make sure it is proper baking paper. Some cooking papers will just catch light under the grill. God knows I don't want to be responsible for you burning your house down.

Pile the ribs up nicely (all nice food is piled) and pour over the sauce. Add a sprinkle of seasame seeds for that restaurant finish.

Grab some paper towels and a beer and get into them. Don't use one of those damn dipping bowls for your fingers. That's what your tongue is for! Anyway, it never makes a very nice soup in the end... no matter how often you dip. If you've got it right, the meat should almost be falling off the bone - no teeth required, just a good amount of suck.

Now this is a man meal.

Enjoy.

-Jeffois